Season 2024 | Episode 2

♪ ♪ I'll see you inside, Miss Gordon.

NOLLY: Who are you?

POPPY: I'm Poppy.

I'm playing Honour.

JACK: Poppy, we did specify a Birmingham accent.

You might have-- I did not.

DENTON: All good things must come to an end.

MICHAEL (on phone): Meg is going to die.

I've been sacked?

Yes.

SUSAN: Take center stage!

Beat those bloody men.

Don't kill me.

This is Meg we're talking about.

Is it?

(screams) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (objects shifting) (hammer banging) Good afternoon.

Oh!

Good afternoon, sir.

I'm really very sorry if I've kept you waiting.

Oh, not at all-- I can imagine you're rather busy.

Hm.

And I must apologize.

It's all a bit ad hoc, uh, but we had to seize the opportunity.

Well, I wish I could've given you more time, but London beckons.

Now, I am told they call you the Queen of the Midlands.

I think that might be treason.

(both chuckle) But it is worth pointing out this is a moment in history.

It's the very first time a woman has interviewed the prime minister.

I wager there were men who tried to stop that happening.

Oh, yes.

Tory Central Office weren't too pleased.

But you defeated them.

I did.

Well done.

♪ ♪ Good evening, I'm Noele Gordon.

And it's my honor to be here in St. Andrew's Stadium with the prime minister, Harold Macmillan.

♪ ♪ I'll never be a majority shareholder in Crossroads again.

Soon, I'll have nothing left.

And what will I do then?

(theme playing) KEITH: And hold it, wait for the clear.

Everyone stay in positions, thank you.

TONY: Oh, here they come-- next week's scripts.

(clears throat): Any more rumors?

POPPY: I've heard a fire.

Billy from props says the motel burns down.

JANE (on monitor): Well, who's inside it?

All of us?

TONY (on monitor): When I was here in the 1960s, I played an estate agent, Mr. Perkins, and every Friday, they'd give out scripts, just like today.

And then one Friday, there was no envelope.

And I said, "Where's my scripts?"

They said, "You haven't got any."

And that's how I knew I'd been sacked.

Well, try getting pregnant-- you'll disappear even faster.

KEITH: And that's a clear!

(Nolly gasps) ♪ ♪ NOLLY: What's it say?

TONY: Go, go!

JANE: Does it tell us?

TONY: I mean, what happens?

What happens?

♪ ♪ TONY: It doesn't say-- it doesn't say!

SUSAN: There's got to be clues.

You've only got two weeks left, Nolly.

How the hell are they writing you out?

All it says is that I'm making my will and leaving everything to you.

Well, maybe I murder you.

IRIS: Well, I warn you now, if it's a murder with lots of blood, makeup'll need ten days' warning.

Plus multiple wigs.

I've asked the writers what's going to happen.

I've asked and asked.

Oh, come on, Ivor, you can tell me.

Do I die?

Is it murder?

Suicide?

Mm.

Heart attack?

Do I find a man?

I mean, do I get married?

(exhales) Do I live happily ever after?

Peter, it is not fair-- I demand you tell me what happens.

(elevator bell dings) NOLLY (voiceover): Nothing.

Not one word.

And guess whose fault it turns out to be.

I'm sorry, but it's your own fault-- you went to the papers.

You crossed the line, Nolly.

You told them things that were strictly confidential.

But tell me, do I live or do I die?

(moans): This is my problem.

Meg's exit has turned out to be a miracle.

The show's never been so popular.

We're everywhere.

The whole country is talking about this, So I can't say anything to anyone.

NOLLY: But you have a duty.

Towards me.

Maybe.

Back in the old days, yes, but do you know what happened?

A shot rang out.

A bullet that changed the world.

That gunshot in the office in "Dallas."

J.R. Ewing hit the floor and television will never be the same again.

Now here's our chance.

To be as big as that.

To be bigger than "who shot J.R.?"

And I'm not going to spoil that for anyone.

♪ ♪ (phones ringing) Now... (clears throat) Where were we?

NOLLY: Excuse me.

JACK (voiceover, on TV): The press can speculate all they like, but I am cleverer than them.

We have one script with one ending, and I have that locked away where no one can see it.

(chuckles) ♪ ♪ I wish I could-- I can't crack open a safe!

I'm not Raffles!

(woman chuckles) So what the hell do we do?

PAUL: Thing is, you're all looking at the wrong story.

You should look at me, look at Benny, right here on the farm.

Observe: Green, scene two.

I'm being all friendly with a newcomer by the name of Sam Hurst.

Yellow, scene six, eight, and ten.

Sam paints a mural on the wall, over there, but what's that got to do with Meg?

Pink, scene ten.

In comes Meg, she looks at the painting, and here's the interesting bit.

She recognizes the artist.

Where?

Where, where?

Turns out he's changed his name.

Because he's got a mysterious past.

(Tony gasps) He's hiding a secret.

Well, like a murderer.

Oh, my God!

Who's playing Sam Hurst?

Brian Badcoe.

So these are the sets-- you'll get used to... Oh... You must be Brian Badcoe.

Yes.

I am delighted to meet you!

I'm Noele Gordon, but you can call me Nolly!

Nolly, thank you very much.

In here?

Absolutely.

Welcome to "Crossroads."

So, what did they say in the audition?

Sam Hurst, who is he?

Well, they said he's escaping his past, uh, because his wife and children died.

In a fire.

A fire?

Oh, my God!

Are you an arsonist?

I don't know-- am I?

Do you kill me?

Do I?

What for?

Think about it.

Brian's final episode-- guess when it transmits.

♪ ♪ Bonfire Night.

(actors gasp) (doorbell rings) Well, it turns out this Bonfire Night thing might be true.

'Cause guess where I've been today.

Filming, on location, on my own.

On a Sunday?

Mm-hmm, they booked me last night, out of the blue, sent a car at 6:00 a.m., and then on the spot gave me a script.

On white paper.

But we don't have white scripts.

Oh, we do now.

I'm sorry, Mother.

I've been filming your funeral.

♪ ♪ (shushing) (receiver hangs up) ♪ ♪ (dog barking) (door buzzes) JANE: So, uh, makeup were there.

And Stephanie from wardrobe.

I had this full costume, all in black-- it was rather nice.

And I said, "What's going on?"

They all said, "No idea."

And it... (exhales): It wasn't a real cemetery.

They'd got these old headstones out of props.

And there it was.

Your coffin.

Do you have any idea what we're supposed to be doing?

I'm not paid to speak.

Did an episode of "Rentaghost" last year.

Got paid five pound for burping.

RODNEY: Thanks, then, Jane.

Checks are good-- if we could go for a take.

Well, but what am I actually doing?

Just what it says in the script.

JANE (voiceover): "Jill stands at the grave and cries."

So that's what I did, for 20 minutes.

20 minutes?

(chuckles): It was because of the helicopter.

(rotor blades whipping) (yelling): Shall we wait for it to pass?

RODNEY: I don't think it's going anywhere!

It's come here for you.

Is that the press?

Are they taking photos?

RODNEY: It's nothing to do with me!

I'm just doing what I'm told.

And action!

So that's what I did.

I stood there and cried.

(rotor blades whipping, Jane sobbing) (rotor blades whipping) And it was definitely my coffin.

JANE: Yes.

Well, Meg's.

(helicopter moving off) TONY: Maybe it's fake, 'cause I told you.

Maggie from the office said they're shooting multiple endings.

What was the date of birth?

1919.

Bastards.

KEITH: Ready to record.

Places, please, fast as we can.

Little bit of hush!

LIZ: Scripts for next week.

(all talking softly) There you go, and... (all talking in background) Can we have quiet over there, please?

Oh, (muted) off!

(others laughing) KEITH: 30 seconds.

TONY: I can't work out if you're dead or not.

SUSAN: "Meg falls asleep in the chair.

Camera goes to a bottle of pills."

Well, I mean, that's suicide, isn't it?

POPPY: Yeah, but then page 18, "Meg stands in the doorway, as if saying goodbye."

JANE: And then the motel burns down.

SUSAN: We're all outside at the bonfire, thank God.

Sorry, Nolly, but we are.

And then Meg goes missing.

SUE: So which one is it?

What happens?

TONY: You see, they could use any one of those scenes.

They actually went and did it.

Multiple endings.

Well, when do we find out?

TONY: Next week, I suppose.

One more week.

BRIAN: Well, at least it gets started by a firework.

Not by me.

And I get a nice little moment.

I go running back inside to save Meg.

Look, page 21.

"I'm not afraid of fire anymore, Benny!"

(people laugh in background) And, and then you burn to death.

Well, yes.

Meg's bedroom collapses on top of you.

Yes.

So, it made sense, you being afraid of fire in the first place, didn't it?

Yes.

But it's going to be rubbish, isn't it?

Just gonna be (muted).

We've done fires, and what do they look like?

(whimpering) (exclaiming) No, no, you save yourself, Miss Diane!

Don't worry about me!

I've had my time!

Okay, it's okay!

NOLLY (voiceover): It's just a tuppenny-ha'penny flame bar put in front of the camera.

If they're killing me off, then that's my death.

Cheap, and tacky, and pathetic!

(knocking) Have you seen?

Have you been in the studio?

I was there all day.

They sent this great big team in tonight, all done in 40 minutes flat.

Come and see, Nolly, it's gone-- it's all gone!

(door creaking) I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

It's not the Crossroads Motel without reception, is it?

That set has been standing there for 18 years.

One of the men was from special effects.

He says they're gonna take it all to an airfield, rebuild it on the tarmac, and then they're gonna burn it.

♪ ♪ They're gonna burn the whole thing down to the ground.

♪ ♪ IRIS (voiceover): All these years, they've never spent any money on this show, and now they're gonna spend a fortune just to get rid of you.

I just wonder what... What did I do?

Why do they hate me so much?

(intercom buzzing) Yes, hello?

MAN (on intercom): Package for Miss Gordon, from ATV.

Right, yes, coming down.

Thank you.

(keys clatter) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (softly): What?

(exhales) (sobbing) (sobbing) ♪ ♪ (calling): Nolly?

♪ ♪ Good evening-- I phoned ahead.

We've saved you a seat, Miss Gordon.

If you'd like to follow me, it's this way.

Thank you.

LARRY: I got up this morning, pulled myself.

Off the bed.

(audience laughs) I had my breakfast-- Complan and a lightly boiled egg-- and then my friend Everard came round to oil the knocker.

(audience laughs) In he walked, full of trouble.

I got him a cup of beef tea.

I said, "You need some meat inside you."

(audience laughs) He said, "Shall we have a game of chess?"

I said, "I'm not sitting here waiting for you to lift your bishop."

(audience laughs) Oh, me hair wants washing.

Anyway, there's a knock at the door.

I said, "Friend or foe?"

Answer came there none, so I opened the door.

There's Slack Alice, sweating like a bull.

(audience laughs) Trouser suit too tight.

She looked like she'd been lagged for winter.

(audience laughs) LARRY (voiceover, on TV): I'd like to complain.

My room was dreadful.

I got up, I fell over Amy Turtle's bucket.

I heard this scratching.

I thought there were rats in the wall.

It turned out to be a couple of ferrets.

(crowd cheering and applauding) (car door closes) (cheering continues) LARRY (voiceover, on TV): I do love you, Noele!

I keep asking him to marry me, but he won't.

LARRY: Oh!

Oh, all right, then.

I will.

Make an honest man of me, I accept!

(audience cheering and applauding) Shall we name the date, everyone?

(audience laughs) I went to the doctor.

He said, "Everything's in perfect working order."

I said, "Oh, good-- Noele Gordon will be pleased."

(audience laughs and applauds) (applause continues) (knock at door) V.I.P.

guest for you, Mr. Grayson.

Make way, here she comes, the Queen of Sheba.

Oh, darling.

You were absolutely wonderful.

(giggles): Nice little crowd, I thought.

Now, you let me get changed.

Bruce, you're not in a hurry to lock up, are you?

No, no, no, we'll be a while, don't worry.

Um, it's nice to meet you, Miss Gordon.

My mother loves you.

She says you're the best-dressed woman on TV.

Well, tell her thank you very much.

She said it's terrible what they're doing to you.

And I agree!

Thank you.

LARRY: Off you go now-- this is private.

Oh, and Bruce...

Shut that door.

Seems like a nice boy.

He's got a boyfriend called Rudy.

I called him Trudy, but it didn't catch on.

No one's doing that anymore.

Now, I'd take you to dinner, but I'd better get home to Fan.

She'll only sit up waiting.

How is she?

She's fine, she's very well.

She's limping.

You pour the drinks, I'll get changed.

They sit there, hand in hand, Bruce and Trudy, in front of anyone.

It's a new world, Nolly.

Well, good for them.

I still find it strange.

He's right, though, it's terrible, you.

They have treated you appallingly.

Have you found out?

What happens?

Are they killing you off?

Are you wearing a girdle?

How dare you.

Cheeky thing.

Well, we all need help these days.

NOLLY: Oh, do you remember that advert?

(imitating): "My girdle is killing me!"

(laughs): Oh, I loved that.

Anyway, yes, they have told me.

I just got the final script.

And?

What happens?

I live.

You do?

Mm-hmm, I survive.

Well, that's good news!

I sail off on the QE2.

You do what?

I sail off on the QE2.

You sail off on the QE2.

I do.

What for?

A new life?

Hold on.

It's all some sort of flim-flam, hm.

Meg is tired of the motel.

Um, it's all rather silly, really.

She leaves a note for Jill, but the motel burns down, so no one sees the note.

Then she telephones, and Jill rushes off to see her.

On the actual QE2-- the real thing.

There's a call sheet for Southampton.

We're driving down on Monday.

Could be rather impressive-- for once.

You sail off on the QE2.

I know!

That is so wonderful!

(laughs): It's ridiculous!

(laughing) Oh, I couldn't be happier!

Oh, Nolly, you're alive!

I am!

Hurrah!

(laughing) I can't help thinking-- don't get cross-- but if he was still alive, he'd have helped, he'd have come charging to your rescue.

That's very romantic.

But I don't think he ever followed "Crossroads."

I'm sticking to my version.

I think he loved you, right to the end.

Despite the evidence.

Do you miss him?

Life goes on.

(inhales) Well, bright things ahead, darling.

Brightness and joy-- you've been set free!

You're gonna be a bigger star than ever.

Oh, I don't think so.

Just wait, they'll be clamoring for you.

"Brideshead Revisited," you could do that.

You could be a lady in a country house.

I can see it now-- you'll be on the BBC.

No, I really don't think so.

Have your own show.

No, I won't.

You can have anything you want!

No, I won't, Larry, because I've tried.

I have tried and tried, and they won't have me.

The BBC, Granada-- everyone.

I've knocked on every single door.

I'm just an old soap star who's been sacked.

You're far more than that.

I know exactly who I am.

I'm just a middling actress in a middling show.

And that is fine-- I could have carried on for 100 years.

But they took it all away.

(inhales) I'm chucking it in.

What?

"The Generation Game"?

Yeah.

You are not!

It's done-- I'm out.

But it's the most successful show on television!

Not anymore-- we got beaten in the ratings.

By "Game for a Laugh."

I wouldn't mind, but it's hosted by that man Jeremy Beadle.

He's only got half a hand.

I've been beaten by a man with half a hand.

It's time to say... Goodbye.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, it's all got a bit coarse, hasn't it, TV?

Bit loud.

Well, what will you do?

I'll go back to Nuneaton with Fan.

She's looked after me all my life, now I can look after her.

Ah, I give it five minutes-- you'll be snapped up.

Like you?

That's us, darling-- two old dinosaurs, bellowing at the night, while the boys sit hand in hand.

I still get cards congratulating us.

On our engagement.

(laughs): I get it every day!

People on the street say... (imitating): "When's the happy day?"

They think it's really true.

What do they see when they look at me?

What do they actually see?

I'm not...

I don't know what I'll do.

Because you can go home and live with your sister.

That's what you've always done.

But, uh...

I wasted all those years.

I kept my life empty.

And waiting.

I was waiting for him.

♪ ♪ But now, I stop filming.

I've got nothing.

That is my life outside the show.

Nothing.

(softly): Oh, darling.

(whispering): What am I going to do?

(ship horn blares) (gulls crying) ♪ ♪ (brakes squeak) ♪ ♪ (car doors closing) Sir.

♪ ♪ Mother.

(ship horns blaring) ♪ ♪ (people talking in background) Is there any word from Southampton?

Oh, God knows.

They're on a tight schedule-- got to shoot everything before the boat sails.

Ship.

(chuckles) It's called a ship.

(sucks in breath) My mother once owned a fishing trawler, and she always said...

Uh, actually... ...move the chair here... (continues inaudibly) (talking in background) (Ronnie clears throat) I thought you'd be... Never mention the Scottish play, never whistle backstage, and never sit in Nolly's chair.

These things remain... Inviolable.

Mm.

PAUL: You'd think ATV would arrange something, like goodbye drinks and a gold clock.

All they gave her was a fruit bowl.

She was so nice to me.

Every single day.

Taught me everything.

Funny to think of her on the QE2.

Two stately royal barges.

(chortling) SUSAN: She's all on her own.

Jane's with her.

SUSAN: I know, but... She spent decades in this studio.

She knows everyone.

Not just us, I mean the cleaners and security guards, the girls on reception-- everyone.

POPPY: Knows all their birthdays.

SUSAN: But then her final day's in Southampton.

Miles away.

I asked-- they said the last shot is her, sailing away.

The camera's on land, she's on board, and the QE2 can't turn back.

So she goes all the way to Cherbourg, on her own.

And then she has to fly back, no one with her.

It's wrong.

Yeah.

♪ ♪ Rodney, love, I was thinking.

I'm only in scenes seven and nine with the Greens.

All my big stuff's tomorrow-- can we rehearse that first?

Just need to slip off.

Um, no, to be honest.

It's just, something's cropped up.

Yes, it's a ridiculous week.

I think we need to stick to the schedule.

Okay.

Sorry.

Okay.

No.

It's not okay, it's absolutely not.

Sorry, look.

Scene seven, I'll stand there.

Scene nine, I'll stand here.

Put a chair in my place.

Nobody will notice the difference, because it never sodding changes.

I do the same thing every day, every week, every year.

I've done it 5,000 times.

Get a performing monkey-- he'll be much better than me.

Now I really have to go, because I've got something much more important to do.

Bye-bye!

(both talking) Sorry!

♪ ♪ (tires squeal) Right, that seems to work.

(ship horn blares) If we're good to go, everyone, thanks very much-- Nolly, you happy?

Am I happy?

Yeah, is everything okay?

Well, it depends.

You promised me the biggest suite on the QE2.

But you didn't promise me enough kit to light the biggest suite on the QE2, did you?

So, we end up shooting in a tiny little corner.

It's a box.

It's a crate.

It's only marginally better than a hammock in steerage.

If you look under the bed, you might find two refugee stowaways.

Let alone what happens to Meg when she gets to New York.

Has she got a visa?

Can she get a job?

Can she live there?

Has anyone in the office actually sat down and thought this through?

So, if you ask me if I'm happy, then the answer is no.

You're going to miss me, Jack.

I apologize.

I wish things were better.

Now, can we go?

Yes.

Okay.

Ready, Jane?

Yes.

Nolly?

Ready.

Break a leg.

Thank you.

Checks, happy?

Happy.

Happy.

JACK: Turn over.

CAMERAMAN: Turning.

SOUND MAN: Sound speed.

JACK: Stand by.

Scene 14, "Farewell to Meg."

And... Action.

Mum!

I thought you were...

Darling.

(sobbing) What's wrong?

(gasps) (tires squeal, brake engages) ♪ ♪ Mr. Adams, sir.

Not seen you in a while.

No!

Been busy!

You're in a hurry.

Meeting an old friend.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ JACK (voiceover): Right, so, you've got this bit to yourself.

If anyone tries to say hello, we've got the crew to keep an eye on you.

I will need you to stand here.

NOLLY: Mm-hmm.

Does that work?

Whatever you say.

And we'll be down there, and as soon as the ship moves off, I will give a cue to Jane.

When she starts waving, you wave back.

I will cue the brass band.

We'll keep recording for as long as we can.

Just keep waving all the way into the distance.

What are they playing?

Uh, oh, "Life on the Ocean Wave."

Bit celebratory.

Glad to see me go?

Okay, I suppose this is it.

We'll say goodbye.

Final checks, Iris.

You don't need me-- you never did.

(chuckles) You look lovely.

Thank you for everything.

I love you, Nolly.

Mm.

Careful!

I won't spoil it.

(chuckles) (softly): Liz.

Oh!

We had such good times.

We did, we really did.

Bad times, too.

Yeah.

1973, do you remember?

My parents died in a car crash.

They were on their way to see me, and they died, and...

I had to go back to work on "Crossroads," and the cast were so nice to me.

You were all so nice.

And on the day I got married... (chuckles) Nolly offered me her Rolls Royce.

And she drove me.

I had no one to give me away.

And Nolly drove me to my wedding.

I know.

Well, make sure they know upstairs.

Because it shouldn't be forgotten.

We worked with an absolute star.

(softly): Thank you.

NOLLY: Jack.

Thank you.

Right.

If we could make tracks.

You'll take your cue off Jane...

I know how it works.

Off we go, then.

♪ ♪ (sails flapping) (ship horn blaring) And...

Cue Jane.

(calling): Cue the brass band!

(playing "A Life on the Ocean Wave") (song continues) JACK: No, we need a bit more.

(screaming, echoing): Give it a bit more!

(song continues) Give it a bit more, Jane.

I am.

It's not really working.

JANE (exhales): What, what am I supposed to do?

Well, just give it, give it more... Oomph!

I'm trying!

(roars) (muttering): So stupid.

TONY (in distance): Hey!

(ship horn blaring) Nolly!

Nolly!

(laughing) (horn blaring, song continues) (laughing): You idiot!

(yelling): That's it!

Over here!

Over here!

Yes!

Yes!

(song continues) And... Cut!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (music continues on TV) (music continues) TWYLER (on TV): After the news at 5:45, we'll have all the headlines from "ATV Today" at 6:00.

At 6:25, there's another edition of "Help," and at 6:35, it's the one you've all been waiting for.

Did Meg survive the fire?

Find out the truth on tonight's "Crossroads."

(music resumes) (clears throat) Hm.

(snaps fingers) (humming) ♪ ♪ (dial whirring) Now?

Now.

(receiver hangs up) Aw, I wanted to watch it go out.

I don't trust those bastards.

They might change the ending.

Let them.

I don't care.

I thought you wanted me to drive.

Oh, we're going shopping the old way.

Like we used to.

(laughing): My God.

♪ ♪ We're gonna have to run.

Go!

I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

(calling): Stop!

(brakes squeaking) After you, Miss Gordon.

Hello.

Good evening.

Good evening.

TONY: Evening.

NOLLY: Hello.

TONY: Good evening.

Hello, good evening.

Good evening.

Hello, good evening.

TONY: Hello.

Hello, good evening.

Next stop, the Crossroads Motel!

(bell dinging, all laughing) ♪ ♪ It's you, isn't it?

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

I thought you'd be at home tonight, watching TV!

Why?

Is there something on?

(passengers laughing) Isn't it lovely about Princess Diana?

Oh, it's wonderful.

A bonny little baby to cheer us all up.

SHABNA: Oh, but I can't wait, though.

What happens?

To Meg?

Is she alive?

Oh, can't you tell us, please?

NOLLY: Now, don't be naughty.

You'll just have to watch.

SHABNA: I will.

I rush home every night.

I get in at bang on 6:30, just in time.

Cup of tea and "Crossroads," that's my treat.

BARBARA: I've got a VHS machine.

I bought a brand-new tape so I won't miss a second, Nolly.

Oh, well, I hope you enjoy it.

Ooh, I'm only watching for him!

(laughs) Oh, steady on, girl!

SHABNA: Is he spoken for, Nolly?

Uh, well, he's spoken about.

(all laugh) I'd take my teeth out for him.

(all laughing) I feel a bit left out over here.

I never watch "Coronation Street."

It's "Crossroads."

I don't know who you are.

Yes, and why should you?

LINDA: I hope you don't mind me saying, Miss Gordon, but I've read everything in the papers, and I still don't understand.

Why did they get rid of you?

WOMAN: Yeah, why?

WOMAN 2: Why?

CONDUCTOR: They must be mad.

We've been watching you in our house ever since I was a kid.

Nolly, you put this city on the map.

LINDA: So why did they do it?

Well, I don't know.

I wish I knew.

They must have given you a reason.

I don't know!

I mean, I'm sober, I'm clean, I'm quiet-living, and I learn my lines, and then suddenly they... (makes sound effect) Oh, it's disgraceful, Nolly.

Shame on them.

But who did it?

SHABNA: Who was it?

Who did it to you?

Well, who do you think it was?

Who is it always?

Men!

(others murmur) Oh.

No surprises there.

I knew it.

Isn't it, though?

Upstairs.

In their suits.

And their pipes.

(bell dings) And their looks.

The looks they give you, girls, that roll of the eyes every time you say something.

"I'm rather worried about Jim."

NOLLY (aggressively): That is "Mrs. Dale's Diary."

They're all the same.

No, they're not!

All right, love, I don't know what you're getting so worked up about.

It's just a program.

BARBARA: Excuse me.

It's a program I've been watching for 20 years.

Yeah, it means an awful lot to me.

SHABNA: My mother loves it, my sister loves it, both my daughters love it.

Well, that says it all, doesn't it?

It's for women.

Oh, and what does that mean?

Okay, let's, let's... No, no, no, what does that mean?

(chuckling): Well... No offense, love, but...

It's a load of old rubbish, isn't it?

(gasps) I mean, it's just silly.

Oh, is it?

Is that how it works?

'Cause women, we sit there with our soap operas and we're all just a bit ridiculous, aren't we?

Aren't we stupid?

Aren't we soft?

While men have the pub, and football, and beer.

Oh, and those are important things, aren't they?

They're serious, they're valid, they are worthwhile.

So men can sit back and spread their legs and look at the things that we love with contempt.

With a curl of the lip.

With a sneer.

Well, let me tell you.

We feel contempt.

We can sneer.

We curl our lips in disgust.

And do you know when that is?

When you walk into the bedroom and drop your trousers and stand there in saggy yellowing underpants!

(women laughing) Isn't that right, girls?

WOMEN: Yes!

And then it gets worse!

Then you take them off!

(others laughing) No charge, Nolly, no charge!

(mouthing) (clapping) (bell dings) (women giving goodbyes) NOLLY: Don't forget to watch.

WOMAN: Thank you!

TONY: Bye!

Well, that was fun.

Oh, much fun.

They've got a story for the grandchildren.

(passengers calling, knocking) Yes.

Where do you fancy shopping?

Rackhams?

Hm?

Oh, no, sod that.

I want steak, and I want red wine, and I want Black Forest gâteau.

And you can let me pay for once.

Good God.

Just the once-- no starter.

But I would like to congratulate you, Miss Gordon.

You were absolutely magnificent for 18 years.

Well, I tried.

No, you were wonderful.

I still can't work it out, darling.

Why did they get rid of you?

I'm going to have to sell your flat.

And the Rolls is going to have to go back.

That's all right, we'll blunder on.

God, we'll miss you.

No, you won't, and that's an order.

NOLLY (voiceover): You will go in to work and carry on like you always have.

♪ ♪ (exhales) I think so.

NOLLY: And you be careful.

Because it's a machine, that program.

Mm-hmm.

And the machine is ruthless.

LIZ: Next week's scripts.

KEITH: ...five-- positions, please.

Keeping quiet.

Let's have less of the chat.

We are on Green, scene 14A, picking up from the top, thank you.

Where's mine?

(flatly): Sorry, nothing for you.

KEITH: In five, four... (Paul performing in background) ♪ ♪ And what about you?

Oh, time to fade away, I think, like... Nice little cottage.

Roses over the door.

Kettle on the hob.

Really?

Oh, (muted) off, dear.

(laughs) I'm only just getting started.

Do you think I'd let those bastards stop me?

I've got plans.

(whispering): What am I going to do?

♪ ♪ Come with me.

Come on.

Up.

Don't sit there grizzling.

Come and see.

Bruce, could we have some lights, love?

Oh, yeah, sure.

(calling): Len?

Can we get some lights on, please?

NOLLY: Oh, I don't think... Hush.

There now.

This is where you started, and this is where you belong.

Larry.

I am exhausted.

Nonsense.

I am 61 years old.

Perfect age.

Says the man who's retiring.

I was born middle-aged.

And you were born for this.

Who was the first Meg you ever played?

Meg Brockie in "Brigadoon"?

NOLLY: The village tart.

How many performances?

NOLLY: 1,000.

LARRY: You auditioned in front of Frederick Loewe himself.

And what did he say?

He said, "Marry me."

Because he thought you were so wonderful.

He could see it.

I can see it right now.

What about you, Nolly?

Do you think you can do it?

Start all over again?

And show them?

All those men.

♪ ♪ Everyone who ever doubted you.

(whispers): What do you think?

♪ ♪ Oh, watch me.

♪ ♪ NOLLY: I can't do it.

This part is a monster.

ROGER: Bigger, Nolly!

I want this whole theater to see Miss Noele Gordon.

NOLLY: I will sing your bloody song in front of 1,000 people.

(audience cheering and applauding) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ANNOUNCER: Visit our website for videos, newsletters, podcasts, and more.

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♪ ♪